Why?

Submitted by Writer on Thu, 02/15/2018 - 13:14

How did it end up this way?  What is the plan for the future? Why did the plan change?  Who gets to decide?

We want security in our lives, who gets to decide when it goes away?  Kids never get to decide, it's decided for them.  Asserting external force upon people without a voice is the essence of being a kid, so how am I in this spot as an adult?  

Realizing that adulthood doesn't protect you from others asserting themselves and their choices onto you.  What time of mindset is needed to recover from unexpected change?  How can difficult change impact individual growth?  When what you "knew" becomes the unknown...had you been wanting the change?  Yes!  Were you planning to affect change?  No!  Were you going to maintain the status quo?  Yes!  But... not everyone knew the plan...

Change is thrust upon me...make the most of it.  Grow like you told your children to do, feel the pain, harness sadness into growth, stop blaming, stop being angry, move on.

That's just what I did.  After months of sadness, the light came back flickering off and on and sometimes only dimly.  It gets brighter and shines more frequently, but doesn't always come on when I want it to. Sometimes, being sad feels good because it's better than the past situation.  A little bit of sadness makes up for a lifetime of unhappiness with what should have been.  

How does the absence of another enhance a lifetime?  In enumrable ways.  Change is painful and slow, but worth it to come through the other side... Self determination is one of the great luxuries afforded to some of us, but not all.  I am now the lucky recipent of choice.  Not all of the choices have been solid, well thought out, or even rational.  Some may have long-lasting impact, some may come back to haunt me (fearfully so), and others may have unexpected consequences that bring me joy...

I am no longer sure where this unknown future leads or what is in store.  What I do know is that I have choice again in my future free of the chains and limits imposed by another.  The feeling of fear because of choice brings anxiety and worry thoughts, but strength to move forward and make changes.